


I am lost, in a rainbow, now a rainbow has gone

by Mad_Hatt3r



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:40:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23098000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mad_Hatt3r/pseuds/Mad_Hatt3r
Summary: Monday 9th MarchSmall Charity POV
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 2
Kudos: 56





	I am lost, in a rainbow, now a rainbow has gone

**Author's Note:**

> Tracy’s words, I imagine, would have played on Charity’s insecurities and so I found myself typing this in response to that little thought.

The cold air hits as soon as she steps through the front door of Tug Ghyll but she barely feels the sting against her cheeks. She marches forward down the path, away from the party that’s taking place behind her, letting her feet lead the way as she struggles to remember to breathe.She needs to get away and quickly she won’t break down, not here, not when she could be seen she won’t allow it. 

As her feet still Charity lets out a shuddering sigh, her breath rising as mist in the damp air. The physical sign a comfort to her; that she’s capable of functioning even when she feels so numb. Slowly she blinks trying to force herself to take in her surroundings and as she comes to she lets her body sag forwards, her arms coming to rest heavily on the damp wood of the bridge over the stream. The running water is soothing and she focuses on the noise, it’s constant and it helps to centre her as her mind replays Tracy’s words. Over and over, her chest splintering just a little more each time. 

_ “You were too busy being useless”  _

_ Burying your head in the sand _

_ Now you’re all over her making her feel suffocated _

_ If you really want to help Vanessa, back off”  _

It burns, physically burns. Her chest feels like someone could be holding a hot poker fresh from the fire to the skin above her heart. Branding her, marking her, and she almost gasps aloud at the pain. 

_ Useless _

She lets out a humourless laugh, it’s not the first time she’s heard it, heck she doubts it’ll even be the last. It never gets any easier though, having that word aimed at you as though you’re nothing, as though everything you do is for nought. Not when she’s been trying so hard not to be that person anymore. 

It’s what makes the tears of frustration well in her eyes and she swipes her hand at them angrily. She thought she had been doing a good job, this time she really thought she had been doing the right things. Hours she spent; pouring over article after article on the web coming up with suggestions, trying to be helpful without being intrusive. She thought she had done well, thought Vanessa was happy with how she was trying to do something when faced with the reality that nothing she does can make this shitty disease go away. Vanessa had even said it to her that she was grateful for her help, seemed happy with her suggestions and she had been so eager to please she had just believed her. 

Now she knows differently she deflates, her shoulders physically dropping at the fact that now she knows that nothing she has done has been any good at all. No instead of being supportive she’s been smothering, instead of being helpful and considerate she’s been selfish and incompetent. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, not really, shes Charity Dingle. Nothing she does will ever be enough, she’s too damaged, too broken to be of any actual use to the people she loves and that’s something that at her age she should have learnt by now. 

It’s never enough, she’ll never be enough and especially not for Vanessa. If she can’t get this right then she doesn’t deserve to call Vanessa hers and that causes her throat to close as her stomach heaves at the thought. She wants to help, wants to be what Vanessa wants and needs but she knows now that she can’t and it’s a sobering thought. 

She thought the biggest upset of today would be for breaking Vanessa’s trust after confessing to Tracy but this is something else. It must have been a relief for Vanessa to have someone to confide in. To say how much she’s struggling now that she knows how little help she’s been. She cannot blame Tracy for being angry. If the roles were reversed and Vanessa had complained Tracy hadn’t been doing enough then Charity would have waged war on her behalf consequences be damned. 

With Tracy in her corner Vanessa will have all the help she needs without having to worry about whether her fiancée is going to smother her with misplaced actions or run for the hills in a selfish fit of emotion. For Vanessa it’s a good thing and Charity tries to focus on that rather than the gnawing hole in her chest that’s threatening to tear her apart. 

_ Useless _

She thinks by now she should just have it added after her name, like a job title. Charity Dingle, Useless. It would make it easier in the long run, people wouldn’t begin to expect more when she obviously can’t meet even the lowest of expectations. For a long time Vanessa had helped to break the hold that words like that had over her. Time after time she would say how amazing she was, that those nasty words where not how she should judge herself. It makes it hurt more now and she scolds herself. Hope is a dangerous thing, she should never have allowed herself to believe she was more. 

Sighing she averts her gaze back over to Tug Gyhll she knows she’s going to have to go back soon. They will be looking for her and now she’s had her self pitying moment she needs to pull back on the armour, business as usual. It’s hard though, it takes longer these days to put on the mask but she needs to make sure it’s impenetrable. Nobody has ever been able to see through it before but now that Vanessa has learnt to crack ‘Charity Code’ she needs to be careful. 

She takes her time, keeping her pace steady as she slowly wanders back towards the love of her life. It doesn’t matter that Vanessa has been complaining to Tracy, it won’t stop her being there for her. At one point she would have spat the dummy and stormed home, told Vanessa exactly where she could shove it if her help wasn’t appreciated. But with Vanessa she’s calmer now than she’s ever been and she finds it easier to be think before she acts. 

As she reaches the front gate she just breathes, for a moment pushing away the hurt, locking it away in the box that houses all the emotions she finds hard to deal with. She catches sight of Tracy watching her through the window and she forces herself to look unaffected when all she wants to do is shrink away from the callousness displayed. Vanessa appears at her side a frown on her face until their eyes lock and that frown is instantly replaced by a smile. Charity finds herself grinning back and she isn’t surprised when Vanessa disappears only to appear in the now open doorway. 

“Hey I was wondering where you had got to?” 

“Just getting a bit of fresh air babe” 

Vanessa rolls her eyes “It’s freezing out here you daft beggar get inside!” 

Charity scoffs but it’s with love and a smile, her heart warming at Vanessa’s fussing even when she knows she’s in the doghouse. The smile drops from her face when she remembers that she broke her promise, spilling her guts to Tracy when she should have just grit her teeth. 

“Charity?” 

“I’m sorry babe” 

Vanessa’s face changes from curious to understanding and she reaches a hand out towards her. 

“Come on, we’ll talk about all this later” 

“You’re not mad?” 

Vanessa raises her eyebrow and Charity winces, daft question. 

“I’m furious right now but not enough to want you to catch your death out here, now come on. Least you can do is get your backside in there and stop that lot from eating Tracy out of house and home”

Vanessa turns back inside but still she holds out her hand and as Charity takes her warm hand in hers she clenches tightly. It’s selfish but right now she needs the contact and she follows willingly as Vanessa all but drags her back into the living room. 

“Back then?” 

Tracy’s tone is almost accusing but Vanessa just smiles rolling her eyes. 

“Standing outside in sub zero all for a bit of fresh air, bloody useless she is” 

And as the words wash over her Charity forces herself not to flinch as Vanessa smiles and chuckles even as her heart pounds in her chest and her stomach clenches. 

_ Useless _


End file.
